Anxiety is… Never Feeling Worthy

Anxiety is a horrible thing to suffer from.

Some people feel it intensely, every day. And some people feel it a little, and only in bad circumstances. But it’s all valid. And it’s all a little shit.

Anxiety for me, is the voice in my head. It’s my own voice, but it’s harsh, and manipulative, but it’s also very persuasive. It can make me think a lot of things, and it can change my positive opinion on many matters. It has a lot of power over me.

At the moment I’m trying to find my way in the world, finding my path, and trying to figure out how to make my first steps. My anxiety however, has other suggestions.

It suggests that I give up, that I have no skills set, that the moment I walk into an interview they’ve already decided I’m no good. It tells me a lot about how bad I am. How my friends really hate me, and my family are embarrassed of me. If ever on the off chance I feel some good vibes, my anxiety finds something to bring me down.

The thing is, I deal with this one a day to day basis. Every time I wake up I think something bad will happen that day, that I’ll embarrass myself, or mess something up at work. Every time I go to bed and rethink every issue I’ve ever had no matter how small and how long ago.

The hardest part is that when you feel the negativity everyday it can begin to grind. The grinding brings you down. And it’s harder to get up the further down you go.

So I, and everyone else who suffers needs one thing (excluding doctors, medication, and emotional support when necessary), and that is discipline.

I need to tell myself every morning that the day before wasn’t a bad one, and today shouldn’t be any different from that. Every night I tell myself that today wasn’t a bad day, and that tomorrow shouldn’t be any different.

It’s all about perspective for me. I have to tell myself that I’m nothing special. That bad things aren’t attracted to me. That I’m not meant to have the tragic backstory my brain seems to think I should be living.

I also have to tell myself that I am worthy of good things. That I have a skill set that will get me through my career path. That my friends wouldn’t stick around if they didn’t actually like me. And that it is a complete disservice to my family to think they could be so harsh.

It’s all about perspective and finding the ability to remove the voice from your own head. To be able to look directly at the facts of a day. Was it actually a bad day? Was it actually a good day?

If someone is short with me, it’s not because I’ve done something wrong and they hate me. It’s because everyone has good and bad days themselves. Not everything is as personal as I think. My anxiety is quite narcissistic when you think about it.

Every so often you need to distance yourself from the anxiety. As much as I can, I need perspective, discipline, and just a little bit of logic to do that. It might not help other people but it definitely, helps me.

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